Sunday, December 04, 2011

December 4: Big Boobs and Brown Hair

December 4 Reverb Broads Prompt: In the movie version of your life, which actor/actress would play you and the significant players in your life? What kind of movie is it (e.g., made-for-TV, action, emo/indie, etc.)? What would be the major plot points, and how will it end? courtesy of the lovely Emily 

What follows is a nearly verbatim conversation between my husband, Joe, and myself while laying in bed this Sunday morning, though possibly edited for inappropriate content and fluffed a bit for comedy sake.  I was lamenting that I didn't want to write on this prompt, because it was hard and I wanted to skip it. Except Emily wrote it and I love Emily. He groaned and said no way. And then this happened:

(Please go through and read this first and then follow the links scattered throughout this post to a variety of YouTube videos that Joe and I curated. He handled the ladies and I handled the men. They are hilarious and excellent and you will laugh at a minimum of three.)

Joe: "What about Jennifer Tilly?"
Kassie: "All we have in common are big boobs and brown hair."
J: "She's the one with that high pitched voice, right?"
K: "Yes."
J: "Well, then that won't work. What about Joan Holloway/Christina Hendricks from Mad Men? I know you'd like that."
K: "Yeah, but that's not flattering to her. Maybe a bit Christina Hendricks with brown hair, but it's more like Rosie O'Donnell on a good day, taller with bigger boobs."
J: "How about Jennifer Connelly?"
K: "Again, not particularly flattering to her."
J: "No, but I'm picturing Jennifer Connelly in that movie where she's uptight and cries a lot and breaks a bunch of stuff and Bradley Cooper cheats on her. What movie is that?"
K: "You mean He's Not that in to You? Where he cheats on her with Scarlett Johanson? This is how you picture me? Needy, weeping and cheat-on-able? Are you sure this isn't just turning into a list of actresses Joe likes?"
J: "Is she the one in Say Anything?"
K: "No, dummy,  that's Ione Skye"
J: "I don't have a type. Leave me alone."
K: "Not A Beautiful Mind Jennifer Connelly where she's all  lovely and supportive?" (Watch Joe change the subject.)
J: "What about Sue Sylvester/Jane Lynch with dark hair. She's not super skinny, she's biting and funny, tall. Maybe replace her head with someone else's? You aren't that mean, so more like Jane Lynch not Mean Sue."
K: "This is hard because I really don't think of myself like any actresses, because I'm not pretty like an actress."
J: "It's more like an attitude, you're like a great character actress, not some stupid blonde chippy. Like a Tina Fey attitude, and you've got the dark hair, nerdy theatre background, and she's a writer, and her voice in her book is great." (Joe wanted me to make sure to plug her audiobook here, because it's that good.)
K: "Ok, so we almost have my actress hybrid figured out. What's the movie we are in?"
J: "Like an indie, maybe an indie romance, kind of like a happy ending version of 500 Days of Summer?"
K: "You're just trying to work Zoe Deschanel into the conversation."
J: "Oh, that part where she's sings in Elf, ooh." (Joe then makes the sound of a thirteen year old boy with a serious crush.)
K: "I'm sorry, dear. But that horrible cotton commercial negates her cuteness for me. Plus she's too twee to be me."
J: "Fine, fine. But like an indie romance like Nick and Nora, or High Fidelity, Amelie, those movies you love."
K: "Yeah, like charming, but more like a heightened reality, not too glossy, not too far from how you really feel in your own life, but funnier, wittier with a two hour struggle and a happy ending, and a killer soundtrack."
J: "Exactly."
K: "So now, who's going to play you? I'm thinking like a Greg Grunberg with a goatee."
J: "Oh yeah, that could work. But I think of him as kind of milquetoast. And I'm not milquetoast."
K: "No, you are not. So a funnier, nerdier more biting version of Greg Grunberg. Mixed with like the goofy comedy of Paul Rudd. Because you are totally willing to make a fool of yourself for the laugh. And you have a dark haired charm."
J: "I like that. Plus Paul Rudd in like I Love You, Man. Or when he's meaner and funnier sometimes, like his character in Knocked Up. I don't think he's mean like that in person, but like that character was written. Who else?"
K: "I don't know. What actors do you like?"
J: "I'm like the anti Leonardo Dicaprio."
K: "Baby faced and not believable as a character over the age of 30?"
J: "Exactly."
K: "What about like a Ben Affleck?"
J: "Yeah, I like him in nearly every movie he's been in. Except more like Ben Affleck when he's trying to act like he still lives in South Boston."
K: "Because you're from Southie?"
J: "You know what I mean, a little rougher, a little meaner, but I like him. Ah, Kevin Smith."
K: "A skinnier Kevin Smith?"
J: "Kevin Smith and I meet each on the scale occasionally, sometimes up and sometimes down."
K: "That's perfect. But we can't think of a single plus size actress that works for me. Because there are only two famous two plus size actresses at a time, one young and one old. Kathy Bates has been the old one for years and Melissa McCarthy is the new young one. I love her actually."
J: "Yeah, you're dirty like her in Bridesmaids."
K: "I am not. I don't have sex with sandwiches!"
J: "That's not what I meant, more like her Emmy speech, she's funny, you're funny."
K: "What does it say that we can't think of more than two plus size actresses?"
J: "I'll google it."
K: "It's sad that you just had to google that."
J: "Ok, here's a list, when I started typing in Google and got to "plus size ac" the first Google auto-fill pulled up "active wear" and then "actresses" was second."
K: "Of course."
J: "Ok, here's a list."
K: "It's going to be a short list."
J: "How about Camryn Mannheim? But how's her career doing?"
K: "She was the famous young plus size actress for about 15 minutes five years ago, Melissa replaced her."
J: "Yeah, there's no winner there on this list. Queen Latifah, Jill Scott and a bunch of pretty Lane Bryant no name models."
K: "And I'm not African American or a singer, though they are both lovely. If you are African American and plus size, you have to be a singer. If you are white and plus size, you have to be funny."
J: "What about Elizabeth Taylor, but like when she was in a wheelchair and kind of crazy?"
K: "Yeah, she's dead, honey."
J: "Oh, that won't work then. Back to the list, Margaret Cho!
K: "Do I have a Margaret Cho attitude?"
J: "No, but I do. Ok, list: Missy Elliot."
K: "Again, African American singer/musician."
J: "But she's dirty, and you're dirty."
K: "Next!"
J: "Susan Boyle?"
K: "I don't have a mono brow, or a cat, or an amazing voice or live at home."
J: "Adele then, you have an Adele quality."
K: "I'm not dark blonde, British or 22 with a staggeringly good voice."
J: "No, but you have that Adele face and hair prettiness factor going for you."
K: "Oh, now you're just trying to make up for that Jennifer Connelly comment."
J: "No, it's true."
K: "Ok, you're biased, but thank you. So you're a combo of Kevin Smith/Greg Grunberg with a dash of Paul Rudd goofiness and a touch Ben Affleck when he's trying to act like he's still got a Southie attitude. I agree with all of this, but are you really going with that Ben Affleck Southie thing?"
J: "I have family in Boston, my Nana's from Boston!"
K: "Ok, and I'm a brunette Christina Hendricks mixed with Jane Lynch height and biting humor, Melissa McCarthy body and a little Adele face. And we are staring in our own indie romantic comedy with killer soundtrack and immensely quotable lines, like some kind of High Fidelity, Nick and Nora, 500 Days of Summer, Garden State, Amelie, About a Boy, so a movie probably written by Nick Hornby but set in the Midwest. Sweet, real, and much wittier than we are in real life."
J: "I think that covers it. I want to go see this movie."
K: "I'll get the popcorn."


This is why I love this man. Because he helped me take a prompt I was dreading, and turned it into the most fun three hours I've spent on a Sunday morning in ages. He's is my dream movie star leading man in real life, who sometimes forgets to take out the garbage.

Today's prompt is for our brand new Reverb Broads blogging group for December. In case you missed it, our group of witty, lovely, intelligent bloggers will be writing on a variety of clever, interesting, silly prompts for all 31 days of the month. Go here or here to learn more and join us in the writing madness!


Kerbearspeaks said...


Rainbow Rowell said...

FUN POST. Word to your mother on the lack of plus-sized actresses. Also -- Margaret Cho is plus-sized? That's carazy.

bethany actually said...

Brooke Elliot from Drop Dead Diva (which is really a surprisingly awesome show, by the way). She's smart, hilarious, and is a singer so your movie could be a musical.

Lisa Ann Walter, too. She's sassy and not really plus-sized but not stick-thin either.

sarah said...

i absolutely love this. in fact, now i also feel better about the weird conversations i have with myself in my head (there is no husband). oh, and for the record, i'd totally pay to go see that movie:)

Emily said...

Woo hoo! Love everything about this. :) Would love to have listened to the conversation...I bet y'all sounded like 2 studio execs, hashing out the details. :)

Andrea414 said...

Wow! This is brilliant. I especially love two things: 1)"But that horrible cotton commercial negates her cuteness for me." Totally agree. 2) You used the word "milquetoast". That is such a great word.
Thanks for the belly laughs!!

margherio said...

I would obviously be played by Ryan Gosling. My movie is a mix of Lost in Translation and The Big Lebowski.

Jess Banks said...

I love this post. I wish I had the patience to transcribe conversations with my husband! The really entertaining ones always happen before I think to record them somehow.

But I've got to make a very embarrassing confession: when I saw the title of your blog today, I thought you were saying that big boobs and brown hair were all you and Joe had in common, and I was thinking that wasn't very nice, but it was extremely funny and I had to read the rest of your post...

Sorry. But I'm glad I read it!

Katrina said...

That was all kinds of fantastic!!

Mrs. Wilson said...

You two are hilarious. Love it.

Kristendom said...

Awesome awesome awesome. And is it any surprise that Tina Fey came up as a good actress to play you in my post, too?
Plus, Nick Hornby? You know I'm on board to watch this movie.
All I got out of my husband was that he wanted to be played by James Gandolfini.

Jennifer Bergey said...

This was just hysterical. And yes, I would pay to see this movie. More than once.

Geoffrey Lelia said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Caroline said...

I loved this the first time and this time! Happy anniversary - love you guys!

bethany actually said...

I stand by Brooke Elliot. :-) Happy anniversary to you both!