35. Take artistic nude photos of myself.
Why, oh, why is this on my Bravely Obey in Action List? To be honest, this is the one that taunts me the most on my entire list. More than #25 skydiving, more than #3 having a kid, certainly more than #37 learning to make tortillas from scratch. The one I have to work up the courage to even think about. The one that makes my stomach flutter and lurch. The one that seems like an idiotic thing to want to do when you are far from your ideal body weight, over thirty and haven't colored your hair in almost twelve weeks. But.
But, it's still on the list. And I put it there for a reason. I think. Yes, it's there for a reason. And what was that reason again? Oh, yes. I would like to learn to hate certain body parts less. I would like to view myself as a sexy and attractive woman, even without a perfectly camouflaging outfit. I would like to find ways to appreciate a curve or a knee and not constantly critique myself. And while I'm engaged in the long process of losing weight and getting healthier, I want to feel pride in exactly who I am right now. I think women's bodies, of all shapes and sizes, are beautiful. How we carry ourselves, our grace and warmth, curvy and soft or angular and lanky, there is nothing more beautiful than a woman who knows herself and carries her body with pride and strength. I want to become one.
I watched a documentary recently about exactly that type of woman. It followed a group of women who choose to perform classic burlesque striptease and how empowering, freeing and just plain fun it was for them. And while stripping in its current incarnation seems trashy and demeaning, burlesque has that old fashioned provocative sexuality. The art of covering and exposing, a titillating sense that what is hidden is sexier than showing it all. I feel like this self portrait photo shoot could be that kind of experience for me. And not in public. And completely under my control. And hopefully straight up fun. So if I recall, those are some of the reasons I put this ridiculous goal on my list. That, and I'm trying to torture myself.
Based on many, many humbling previous experiences, I'm guessing that anything that makes me this uncomfortable and nervous should really be something that I power through and accomplish. There's got to be a lesson in it. Maybe the lesson will be, don't let anyone, even yourself, photograph you wearing anything less than a head to toe hazmat suit, but I'm a little more confident than that. I'm going to have Joe help me set up the tripod and maybe help me with some angles. But in order to be totally comfortable and have total editing license, I'm doing this one on my own. I'm thinking tasteful black and whites, nothing too racy or over exposed. But something I could be proud to hang on the wall, without making my guests blush, well, not too much. I'm blushing just writing this post, so who are we kidding? But I am crossing the damn thing off my list. I'll let you know how it goes.