Thursday, June 07, 2012

I Lie for the Raccoons

Reverb Broads Prompt for June 7, 2012

List 8 reasons it's okay to lie. 
courtesy of Katrina 

Warning: This post is full of hyperbole, exaggerations, false compliments, and the palest of fibs meant only to entertain or protect your delicate soft little baby feelings. 

1. When your grandmother asks you if "you and your boyfriend's relationship has become physical yet?" My grandmother actually asked me this when I was 16. I said, "sure, but just kissing." She smile-sighed in relief, and I could barely look at her.

2. When formerly adorable raccoons are lying dead on the side of the road. These raccoons are not dead. They are simply sleeping. That's what my dad told me when I was little and that's the kind of magical thinking that makes lying a good thing. Because dead little raccoons make me sad. 

3.  When children start telling you all about what they asked Santa for for Christmas. I immediately create an image in my head of the perfect Coca-Cola ad classic Santa and during the conversation with this little person I too am convinced that Santa is absolutely real. Kids and adults need the magic to last as long as possible. If asked Santa is always real, because he is. And so is Harry Potter, for that matter.

4. When messing with telemarketers. In college, my roommates and I carried on a very long-winded, ridiculous conversation with a nice boy named Jeremy who was trying to sell us life insurance. There were Southern accents and cheating boyfriends and sisters and 8 children. We were ridiculous and it lasted almost an hour. I think by the end Jeremy was totally enjoying the joke/lie.

5. When you are giddy about how you look with that new haircut that makes you look like Sam Kinison, purse that looks like Liberace threw up on it, pants so tight I can see yesterday's panty-line, shoes that a drag queen would find over-the-top, hat (come on, hats? really, why are we friends? Skip the hats), or hoop earrings the size of the planet earth. Because I like you and my opinion is insignificant next to your joyful confidence. But if your boyfriend sucks and makes you cry and feel ugly or stupid too often, then I'm going to have to tell you the truth about that.

6. When I really, really, really don't want to do something with you because you are a bit of a bummer, but I know your feelings would be hurt if I said that. Thereby bumming you out further. But I don't mean, you. Of course not, you. I mean, you, over there. Yeah, I have a root canal scheduled that day, sorry.

7. When I feel like practicing my English accent. I will grocery shop in silence, waiting, then when I get to the check out line I choose the chattiest cashier, and I'm suddenly British. She'll ask me where I'm from and I've got my story ready. Because it's fun, because I did it on a dare in high school and now, at least once a year, I like to relive the ridiculous fun of being someone else for an hour. It's not a lie when Angelina Jolie convinces you she's Laura Croft, right? Ok, yeah, it's a lie when I tell Darlene I work for the Queen, drive a mini-cooper and had scones and clotted cream for tea.

8. When my husband or best friends need an alibi. I've got your back. Unless it's some truly heinous crime. Then I might have to give that a bit more thought. But just something stupid or you're innocent, then you were home with me watching The Real Housewives of New Jersey. (Which now, since I kept you out of jail, you'll have to let me watch whenever I want to. Sorry, because now I know you are thinking jail might be the better option.)


Becca said...

God, messing with telemarketers is so much fun!

I kinda miss the scam people that were calling constantly trying to get our credit card number. Couldn't get them to stop calling so starting messing with them.

My favorite was asking, "what are you wearing" in the sexiest voice possible while trying not to crack up.

margherio said...

Dead little raccoons make me happy. Ah, the joys of home ownership.