Thursday, May 13, 2010

Fell Off the Wagon So Hard I've Got Bruises

Last night I put three cupcakes down the garbage disposal.

Honestly. I had to. I ate one. I shoved the other three down the sink, grinding them up one at a time. Because I have no willpower lately. I went grocery shopping while starving. I bought macaroni and cheese from the deli and cupcakes from the bakery. I shouldn't do that. I know better. But Joe is out of town, I'd been out of town all day, I didn't feel like cooking and the rainy, glum day required comfort food. If I could have bought just one cupcake I would have, but I couldn't. So I took four home on impulse. Which is four too many. I was weak. And then they taunted me.

I ate the heavy, creamy macaroni and cheese for dinner and then promptly polished off a cupcake. I wasn't hungry. Then I thought about eating another one, and maybe another. I was home alone. No one would know. No one would judge me. And the guilt and craving and stupid interior food monologue took over. I could picture myself eating all four. And you know what?

They weren't even that good. These grocery store cupcakes were oily, heavy sponges compared to cupcakes I could make at home. Why would I waste calories on something that left a lardy film over the inside of my mouth? Because my relationship with food is jacked up, to put it bluntly. So I put them down the garbage disposal.  I feel like an idiot. I need to work out tonight. I haven't lost weight in a month. I've lost my focus and my drive. How do I get it back?

No idea. But I'm working out tonight and every day until our vacation at the end of the month. I'm guessing spending a week in a swimsuit will re-inspire me. God, let's hope so. The cupcakes might win next time.

I hate feeling like this. Like my power and control have been taken over by a freaking cupcake. I have more strength than that. I'm smarter than that. I deserve better than that. But for some reason I can say this all I want in my own head, but I can't act on it consistently. I don't treat myself and my body as well as I should. I can make good choices for a couple of months and then old habits creep back in. I need to get back on track and just start making better decisions. Thinking about the consequences before I eat anything. Tracking my meals in the Lose It app. No, I haven't gained any weight, but I need to be losing again: for my health and my self-esteem and my own well being. I hate failing and I've been failing myself lately. So once again I humble myself to my loyal readers. The cupcake might have won the battle, but I'm going to win the war. I think.


bethany actually said...

Bulleted comment, because I have a lot to say:

- When I saw you in Omaha a couple of weeks ago, I thought to myself, "Kassie is looking really great lately! I should tell her that," and then I got distracted and didn't tell you. So hey, you are looking great these days! You have been working hard to take better care of yourself and it's showing. I'm proud of you.

- I so know this feeling. I don't often feel the urge to eat an entire packet of Hostess Mini Donuts, but when I do feel that urge it's overpowering. I've been known to throw away baked goods before too.

- I had to laugh because when I read that you bought cupcakes from the grocery store bakery, I thought, But those are gross! One of the best things about paying attention to what you eat is that you actually think the crap tastes like crap! And I always figure that if I go to the work of baking the treat myself, at least I'm burning calories while I'm cooking, and I have the chance to eat an apple or some carrots while whatever's in the oven.

- You CAN win the war.

Katrina said...

UGH!! I SO know how you feel!! Been there, done that a million and a half times. I think I could have written this post- except sadly I would have eaten 3 of the nasty cupcakes and thrown the fourth one out. I feel ya girlfriend!!

Congrats on recognizing everything!! You CAN win the war- that is for sure!! You have been kicking major ass so far! Right? ;) Hang in there! Otherwise you may do something crazy like sign up for boot camp at 5:30 AM!!

Joe said...

Haaaaa good times. I guess that would make me the "judge" when I'm home huh. Also, just FYI...the cupcake didn't even win the battle, let alone the war... you flushed his 3 not-so-delicious buddies down the sink. That's a win for you.

Kristendom said...

I'm with Joe on this one - he stole my comment. Even the fact that you were able to do that means you're taking care of yourself - even if it's not up to your exceptionally high standards (I wouldn't know anything about that - my standards for myself are extremely low).

Shannon M. said...

My thought process would have been to eat all of them so I would only feel guilty once instead of spreading it out over several days. Good for you. Your posts about eating right (or wrong) and taking care of yourself continue to motivate me. Thank you. I don't have the weight problem, but I need to be better to myself so all those diabetic complications don't come and bite me in the ass in 20 years. My boys will be driving me to dialysis because I'm blind and don't have any feet.

kassie lou said...

I am so damn lucky to have such a great group of friends. Every time I read one of your comments I feel less crazy and stupid on this whole topic. Thank you.

Snowfairy said...

They are definitely not crazy thoughts, I have many similar ones myself.
I think you are amazing to share these emotions. I tend to keep the feelings, guilt and anger with myself until it's all whirling around my head driving me crazy. Perhaps I should follow your lead and let it out more.