Last night I put three cupcakes down the garbage disposal.
Honestly. I had to. I ate one. I shoved the other three down the sink, grinding them up one at a time. Because I have no willpower lately. I went grocery shopping while starving. I bought macaroni and cheese from the deli and cupcakes from the bakery. I shouldn't do that. I know better. But Joe is out of town, I'd been out of town all day, I didn't feel like cooking and the rainy, glum day required comfort food. If I could have bought just one cupcake I would have, but I couldn't. So I took four home on impulse. Which is four too many. I was weak. And then they taunted me.
I ate the heavy, creamy macaroni and cheese for dinner and then promptly polished off a cupcake. I wasn't hungry. Then I thought about eating another one, and maybe another. I was home alone. No one would know. No one would judge me. And the guilt and craving and stupid interior food monologue took over. I could picture myself eating all four. And you know what?
They weren't even that good. These grocery store cupcakes were oily, heavy sponges compared to cupcakes I could make at home. Why would I waste calories on something that left a lardy film over the inside of my mouth? Because my relationship with food is jacked up, to put it bluntly. So I put them down the garbage disposal. I feel like an idiot. I need to work out tonight. I haven't lost weight in a month. I've lost my focus and my drive. How do I get it back?
No idea. But I'm working out tonight and every day until our vacation at the end of the month. I'm guessing spending a week in a swimsuit will re-inspire me. God, let's hope so. The cupcakes might win next time.
I hate feeling like this. Like my power and control have been taken over by a freaking cupcake. I have more strength than that. I'm smarter than that. I deserve better than that. But for some reason I can say this all I want in my own head, but I can't act on it consistently. I don't treat myself and my body as well as I should. I can make good choices for a couple of months and then old habits creep back in. I need to get back on track and just start making better decisions. Thinking about the consequences before I eat anything. Tracking my meals in the Lose It app. No, I haven't gained any weight, but I need to be losing again: for my health and my self-esteem and my own well being. I hate failing and I've been failing myself lately. So once again I humble myself to my loyal readers. The cupcake might have won the battle, but I'm going to win the war. I think.