1:1 Thrilled:Terrified

I'm sitting here filled with a perfectly equal emotional ratio of 1 part terrified to 1 part thrilled. Ok, it might be closer to 2 parts terrified to 1 part thrilled, or maybe 2 parts thrilled, and 1 part terrified, ok, it goes back and forth constantly. This is what parenthood is going to look like, right?

We have our first foster parent/adoption class tomorrow night. Suddenly all the talk and paper work and character references and background checks start to feel real. The idea that our kid is out there already. Just waiting for us to find them,to get matched, as my friend Wendy pointed out to me a couple of weeks ago. He or she is already out there somewhere in the whole United States. It makes me wonder. Who's tucking them in at night? What books are they reading before bed? Are they even reading books before bed? What's their favorite toy? Is there a well loved teddy bear sleeping next to their tiny face tonight? What are they going to eat for breakfast tomorrow? What makes our child laugh? What makes them stomp their little feet in frustration? What do they want to be when they grow up? When do we get to meet them?

The idea that, because we are planning to adopt an older child, we could become parents as early as June. This June, is a little bizarre to me. We've tried off and on for years to become parents and this could actually be the year that it happens. It all feels so theoretical. So impossible somehow. And yet as I sit here tonight filling out pages and pages of paperwork, typing out our birth dates and social security numbers over and over again, filling out deeply personal questions about our own losses, the things that make us angry, trying to share the core of who we are as people, as a couple, as potential parents with these dry, standard questions. It's weird. It's so damn exciting it feels like all of the holidays rolled into one. And it's terrifying. Did I mention that part? But I'm so excited. My stomach hurts I'm so excited. So here we go...