Thursday, January 02, 2014

The Strangest Year

I am never going to be pregnant. I'm never going to grow a baby inside of my body, some magical combination of centuries of DNA from Joe's family and mine. Melded into a mysterious and lovely little person. It's not going to happen. And that's a hard thing to admit to myself. It's a hard thing to absorb.
Not because we know who that person would have been or what that person's laugh would have sounded like, but because they never existed. We aren't grieving that person, we are grieving the simple idea, the whisper, the hope of that little person in our lives. And that's one of the hardest, most elusive, and most painful things I've ever had to feel.

It's a sharp pain some days. Others days it's nothing more than a slight lump in my throat while watching a child throw a tantrum in Target. Some days there's even a bit of relief that my body will always belong just to me. But December has been hard. Waves of grief and loss creep up at the oddest times. And especially around the holidays, which I've always loved. They were a little bittersweet this year.  I've felt like I've been walking around in a bit of a daze this last month. Not grieving a death. Not grieving a tangible, concrete loss. But grieving an idea, a dream, a hope and a joy that we won't get to experience. And that feels strange, and yet still deeply painful sometimes.

But I'm getting ok with it. I'm getting to the next place, the place that says, ok, we want to be parents, above DNA and placentas and Lamaze classes, we want to be parents. So we'll find a way to do that. But this wispy sadness will always be with me, I think. This little "what if?". We did everything we could to try and have a biological baby. No regrets. But that "what if?" will always linger. Who would that little person have looked more like? Would they have had Joe's curly hair and my height? Would they like to ski or dream of being president or hated algebra with a fiery passion? Who would that person have been? And I'm allowed to wonder that. I'm ok with wondering that. Because we'll never know. But I get to wonder that because I know that we will be parents to a real live child, not a dream, not a whisper. Not a biological child, but our child nonetheless.

Joe and I will have a home filled with laughter and fun and bedtimes and books and joy and tears and chaos. We will have that. It's just going to come to us in some form that we can't understand yet. It will happen. I know it. And I think the challenges of the last year have actually prepared us for the next challenges ahead. I feel tested and stronger and better able to sit with my own feelings and let them happen. And I think these are skills Joe and I both will need in the coming year. So as much as I am sad, I'm excited and scared and nervous about what happens next. Who will we be meeting? Whose laundry will I be doing someday? Who will we be helping with homework, and cuddling while watching movies, and grounding for a week, because that's inevitable, right? I have no idea. But I can't wait to meet them.

11 comments:

jastereo said...

Neither can I! Love You.

Anonymous said...

You're braver than you know. Also, autocorrect wanted me to tell you that you're beaver than you know. Big hug. -Katherine

Unknown said...

I never dreamed that I would never become pregnant and become a parent to adopted kiddos. But it happened, and they are 100% ours! I wonder, too, from time to time. And you are right - it's OK! No one can tell you how to feel (but they can say some pretty, shall I say 'stupid', things which we of course correct and/or forgive ;-)) It's a new chapter my friend. Sort of a crazy choose-your-own adventure. I'm honored to help in any way I can. --Leslie

bethany actually said...

Whoever your children are, they are going to be SO LOVED and SO LUCKY to have you and Joe as parents. And that's what important. We love you guys, and we grieve with you, but we're also so excited to meet your kids someday, whatever their DNA might be. :-)

Sonja said...

DAMMIT. I'm sorry this isn't working out the way you had imagined.
I'm with Bethany though - you and Joe will be awesome parents, regardless of your kid(s)' DNA. Lots of love!

Suzy said...

I'm so sorry you've had to go through this painful journey but, as everyone agrees, you will be unbelievable parents however it happens. I can't wait to meet whoever joins your family and see you both with even more love than you already have with each other! Miss you and hope to see you sometime soon.

Snowfairy said...

My thoughts are with you while you are hurt, my positive thoughts will be with you this year and I'll be celebrating with you before you know as your world will flip upside down and your family expands xx

Caroline said...

I'm so impressed by your openness. That same bravery will be with you as welcome this unknown child into your world. I know he or she is out there just waiting for YOU. I just can't wait! Love you both a ton!

Kat Walsh said...

And there are some kids out there who are dreaming of the perfect family, and hoping one day a family like that will actually belong to them. Kids are a gift given to us, and that's it. Specifics on how they were given doesn't matter. I'm so excited for you and Joe and I can't wait to read your beautifully written thoughts as you go through these exciting times!
Hugs....

Kassie said...

Man, you all are making me so glad that I posted about this. Thanks for the support and I'm getting more excited and less sad every day. Thanks again for reading and commenting and being there for us.

Tara Barnes said...

A little late in reading this but as I read it I am reminded (although I don't think I would ever forget) what an amazing woman you are. I am so excited to see what you and Joe decide to do next, because it will be just as amazing. I know the boy or girl who enters your lives will be so much the better to spend their life learning from you just as all of your lucky family and friends are. Love you Kassie!
Tara